


Prescription Pills and Online Fights

by AsherTheGayBoi



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Hamilton - Miranda, Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, At least 3 characters were abused, BAMF Heidi Hansen, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Easter eggs if you can find them ;), Even Peggy, Eventual Fluff, F/F, F/M, Gay Michael Mell, Gen, Good Sibling Zoe Murphy, Heavy Angst, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Heidi Hansen Tries, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Neglect, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jared Kleinman Eats Bath Bombs, Jason "J. D." Dean Gets Help, Jeremy Heere is Bad at Feelings, Jeremy is a Repressed Feelings Bi™, Larry Murphy's A+ Parenting, M/M, Michael and Jeremy are dorks but we love them, Michael is my soft baby gay and I would die for him, Rich Please Stop Causing Problems I swear To Gods, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Underage Smoking, a n g s t, but she can be a bitch sometimes, everyone has problems, he is the comedic relief we all need, ignore the major character death, its called character development, just a n g s t, seriously, sorry - Freeform, sorry in advance, the Heathers have a weird way of showing affection :), they are horrible parents, this entire fic is just a huge trigger warning, this shit gets sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25495159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsherTheGayBoi/pseuds/AsherTheGayBoi
Summary: Evan and Connor are two sides of the same coin. Although Connor needs a better child lock on pills.---------Jeremy had known taking the SQUIP wasn't a very good idea, but now Michael is hurt, and he realizes exactly how stupid he was.---------Alex had been to eight foster homes in the past five years. Each one piling on more trauma than the last. Now he's going to a new home, and he just hopes none of it comes crashing down before he can get out from under it.---------JD had issues, he knew that. So when Veronica convinces him to try therapy, he doesn't say no. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but they were getting there.Until Kurt and Ram start some bad gossip about Veronica on the school's gossip app.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, George Washington/Martha Washington, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Jason "J. D." Dean/Veronica Sawyer, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell, Maria Reynolds/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler
Comments: 14
Kudos: 46





	1. It Hurts Until It Stops (TW)

**Author's Note:**

> This is depressing and with a small chance at a happy ending. You've been warned.
> 
> (Work title from "Principal" by Melanie Martinez)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan have a few things in common. One of those things is Ellison State Park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has HEAVY suicidal images, themes, and thoughts. There is blood, mentions of self-harm, overdose, and suicide itself. PLEASE DON’T READ IF ANY OF THIS TRIGGERS YOU!!!! Your health is more important than fanfiction.
> 
> If you need to skip because of this, the summary of what happens is: Connor and Evan both commit aliven't.

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ Today is gonna be a good day, and here’s why.  _

_ It’s gonna be a good day because you’re going to go to work, and eat lunch in a tree, and then go home. A simple day is always the best day, right? It’s _

Evan read over what he had written that morning. He pulled a pencil out of his backpack and decided to finish the letter. Make it his last and only mark.

_ It’s simple and easy, what I’m going to do. That why I’m doing it. No mess, and there’s less of a chance that people will remember that it happened here, so I won’t be ruining the park for anyone. Not like anyone comes down this path that often anyway.  _

_ So yeah. Today was a good day, and that’s why.  _

Evan crumpled it and stuck it in his pocket, looking down at the forest floor that was forty feet below him. He smiled, for some odd reason. Just as he was about to let himself slide off, something stopped him.  _ Would anyone even notice if I disappeared?  _ His mom could do so much more. She wouldn't have to waste money feeding him, she could finish law school without having to work so many shifts at the hospital. She could be  _ so much more. _

He looked down again, and there stood Connor Murphy. He blinked, and the image was gone. He reached out a hand to wipe his face, where tears were streaming down. His hand slipped, and all of the sudden he was plummeting forty feet to the forest floor. Evan hit the ground with a sickening crunch and blacked out. 

* * *

Connor tried not to think about the bottle of pills quietly rattling in his pocket as he walked. Connor tried not to think at all. Everyone thought it was easy. You just swallow a bunch of pills. Or, if all else fails, just use the little piece of cold metal you brought with you. It’s really not. From the minute you put the bottle in your pocket to the minute you swallow, all you can do is think. So.

Connor tried not to think about the little bottle of pills quietly rattling in his pocket as he walked. It had sixty individual pills in it. He tried not to think if the cold metal resting in his palm. He had stolen it from Zoe’s bathroom back in 8th grade. Connor walked down the trail at Ellison Park and sat on a bench.

This is where it gets you. The Moment of Truth. If you wanted, you could imagine Death leaning in their seat, waiting to see if you actually did it. If you had the courage to swallow all of them. All you could do for a minute is think.  _ Should I do it? What if it fails? What if I don’t die? What if I  _ do _? What if, what if, what if. _

The What Ifs. They worm their way into your head like a tumor, implanting themselves on your brain. Once you get over the What Ifs, it’s time to swallow. 

Connor opened the little bottle, trying to ignore the way his hands were shaking. He poured all sixty little pills into the palm of his hand. He decided to break them up, into little groups. Make it easier to swallow. 

After you swallow the pills, it’s time for the insurance. Time to slit your wrists. 

Connor pulled the razor out of his pocket, staring at it a moment.

Another place it gets you. You could always _not_ slit your wrists, give them a chance to save you. But you don’t. Because in the end, no one cares. In the end, it doesn’t matter. All of those thoughts, all of your problems, everything can end. You just need to-

Connor pressed the metal to his arm. A small drop of blood. He put three neat little lines on each wrist, blood pouring down his arm. 

Those blissful moments- or torturous, depending on your mindset- between the time the pills course through you and the pain of the cuts are blissfully thoughtless. No What Ifs, no I’m Not Good Enoughs, nothing.

That was all Connor wanted. He just wanted it to  _ stop. _ So, he dragged the little piece of metal over his skin one last time. A final cut on each arm. From the tip of his middle finger to the crook of his elbow. Connor laid on the park bench and closed his eyes on last time.

In the end, Connor got his wish. In the end, he stopped thinking.

* * *

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from Victorius by Panic! At The Disco
> 
> Work title taken from Principal by Melanie Martinez


	2. The Place Looks Like a Murder Scene (TW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JD just wanted to drink his slushie and go for a walk. 
> 
> That's it.
> 
> Totally explains why he had to call 9-1-1 because he found two not-quite-dead bodies in the park, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has implied/referenced suicide in the beginning (outright mentioned), and later on as well (more of a read-between-the-lines), mentions of blood, mentions of vomit, and broken bones. Ambulances as well, in case that triggers anyone. PLEASE DON’T READ IF ANY OF THIS TRIGGERS YOU!!!! Your health is more important than fanfiction.
> 
> If you need to skip this chapter, the summary pretty much does it this time.

_ "Mommy? Where are you?" A five-year-old Jason Dean called out. He and his mother were playing hide-and-seek. _

_ "Rawr! I got you!" His mom ran up behind him and scooped him up in her arms. Little JD squealed and giggled as she swung him around a bit. Putting him down, she made her way to the kitchen. "I'm going to start making dinner. Why don't you go play until your dad gets home?" _

_ "Okay!"  _

_ "Mom? Dinner's ready." Nine-year-old JD said as he walked into his mother's room. He turned the light on. "Mom? Where are you?" He looked up. _

_ His mother was hanging from the ceiling fan.  _

_ "MOM-" _

JD woke up. Rubbing his eyes, he turned towards his alarm clock. 12:41 pm. Damn. There's no way he'd be able to fall back asleep now. Which was unfortunate, because the jet lag was killing him. Pulling on a dark-colored sweater and some shoes, he made his way downstairs as quietly as he could. 

"Where do you think  _ you're  _ going?" 

JD ignored his father as he unlocked the front door and stepped outside. He would probably pay for ignoring him later, but JD didn't really care. 

7-11 keeps great hours. 

When he got to 7-11, he expected it to be empty. So he was fairly surprised when he saw some teenager who looks like a junior with a red hoodie by the slushie machine. He ignores the dude, grabbing a plastic cup and filling it with the frozen concoction he loves. He paid at the counter and left. He decided to take a walk to the nearby park, Eddison park, or something. He took the left path, rather than the right one that most people used. He sipped his slushie and walked. It was fairly dark out, around 3:00 pm now, autumn making the sun set early. About a mile in, he came across a park bench with some guy sleeping on it. He walked up to him, intending to wake him up to see if he was okay.

Then he saw the blood. And the vomit. 

He heard someone’s phone ring. He looked around the bench. No phone. So he walked a little into the trees. There, on the ground, was another guy, his arm bent at an unnatural angle. Paling a little, JD pulled his phone out and dialed 9-1-1.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

“Um, I’m at Ellison State Park I think? There’s a guy about a mile in on the left path who’s passed out on a park bench. There's blood and vomit everywhere? And a little way into the trees there’s another guy who’s passed out and his arm is bent at a weird angle? They both look around my age.”

“Alright, sir, dispatching two ambulances to your location. Try to get the boy who’s vomiting on his side so he doesn’t choke.”

“He’s already on his side.”

“Alright. And the boy by the tree? Does he look in critical condition?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Alright, the ambulances should be there now.” JD heard the sounds of sirens and hung up. After they got both of the guys into separate ambulances, they asked JD if wanted to ride to the hospital with them. He said no.

Once they were gone, JD sat at a nearby park bench- not the blood-covered one- and sipped his slushie.

This move was already looking horrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from Baby Don't Cut by Bmike
> 
> Work title taken from Principal by Melanie Martinez


	3. Kids Are Still Depressed When You Dress Them Up (TW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi Hansen would never forget the day her son was wheeled into the ER. But the other boy wheeled in needed a mother too, it seemed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are suicide mentions, mentions of overdose, mentions of suicide, stomach pumping (in case anyone is triggered by that), hospitals, broken bones, mention of blood, mention of concussion, mention of self-harm, and previous attempts. Implied Neglect? Just bad parenting basically.
> 
> PLEASE!!! PLEASE!! DO NOT READ THIS IF ANY OF THIS TRIGGERS YOU!!!! Your health is more important than fanfiction.

Heidi Hansen had seen a lot in her work as a nurse. She had lost a few patients- not many, she was proud to say- but she would never forget the day her son wheeled into the emergency room. Thankfully, she was assigned the other boy who was wheeled in at the same time. 

Connor Murphy. Suicide attempt. OD’d on pills and slit his wrists. They had his stomach pumped and his arms stitched. Heidi breathed a sigh of relief when he was stable. Looking at him now, in his hospital bed, her heart ached for him. He showed signs of previous attempts and had OD’d more than once, according to his file. The world had not been kind to this boy. Her mind went to Evan, anxious, and disconnected. 

“Heidi? Your boy can have visitors now.” Jenna, one of her nurse friends popped into the room. “Anyone here for Connor?” Heidi asked. Jenna shook her head. “We called his emergency contacts, but they said they’re on a trip.” Heidi was shocked. “And they won’t come back?” “They said they couldn’t. I heard someone in the background ask if this was ‘another one of Connor’s stunts’. I don’t think they’re getting him the proper care he needs, Heidi.” 

Heidi nodded slowly. “When they get here, tell me. I’d like to talk to them. And let me know if he wakes up while I’m gone.” Jenna nodded and moved to sit in the chair Heidi had previously occupied. Heidi walked down the hall and gasped when she saw Evan. He looked almost as bad as Connor. She turned to the supervising doctor. “What happened?” 

“He fell out of a tree. Broke his arm, and we think he might have given himself a concussion. There was minor bleeding to his head when first responders arrived at the scene.” Heidi looked at Evan again.  _ My poor boy. _ “And ma’am?” Heidi turned back to the doctor. “This was crumpled in his pocket. You might want to contact a psychiatrist or his therapist.” She took the crumpled paper from the doctor. Tears stung her eyes as she read it.

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ Today is gonna be a good day, and here’s why.  _

_ It’s gonna be a good day because you’re going to go to work, and eat lunch in a tree, and then go home. A simple day is always the best day, right? It’s _

_ It’s simple and easy, what I’m going to do. That's why I’m doing it. No mess, and there’s less of a chance that people will remember that it happened here, so I won’t be ruining the park for anyone. Not like anyone comes down this path that often anyway.  _

_ So yeah. Today was a good day, and that’s why.  _

Half of it was typed out.  _ The letter he started this morning.  _ The other half was written in pencil. Heidi blinked back tears when she finished. “I’ll call Dr. Sherman. And talk to Evan when he wakes up.” The doctor nodded. “And Heidi? I have a pamphlet on some programs on this type of thing if you would like one.” Heidi nodded. “And you understand we’ll have to keep him seventy-two hours for observation?” Heidi nodded again. “Let me know when he wakes up? I have another patient to tend to.” The doctor nodded. “You’ll be the first to know.” Heidi gave Evan a kiss on the forehead and left to go monitor Connor. Something told her that boy needed someone there for him.

Call it a mother’s intuition.

* * *

Cynthia Murphy was sitting in the hotel her husband had checked into when the hospital called her. Larry came home in the middle of the phone call, asking if it was another one of Connor’s stunts. She nodded. Once upon a time she had tried to sympathize with Connor, but not anymore. “I’m really sorry ma’am, but we can’t go to the hospital right now. Goodbye.” She hung up, cutting off the other woman’s protests. 

“Connor’s in the hospital. Again.”

“Unless he’s dead we’re not leaving.” 

“I know. That’s what I told the girl.”

“We’re leaving the day after tomorrow anyway. What is he in the hospital for?”

“The girl didn’t say.” Larry nodded. That was the end of it then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from Sippy Cup by Melanie Martinez
> 
> Work title taken from Principal by Melanie Martinez


	4. Nobody Seems To Care (TW)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi is a BAMF mother, and Larry and Cynthia are still pieces of shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chappie doesn’t have as many trigger warnings, except some light swearing and mentions of implied neglect and overall bad parenting. However, The Usual is still here. Mentions of suicide, mentions of overdose, hospitals, mentions of self-harm, and mentions of depression (that one is new). Also, Just a forewarning, this is NOT a Zoe-bashing fic. She’s just kind of confused? And a bit hurt.   
> To those who have to skip because of triggers: Zoe arrives at the hospital and acts like a bitch, then the Murphy Parents come and are assholes, which Heidi repsonds in the Good Mother way (but also the BAMF way). Larry and Cynthia are still bad parents, and Heidi talks to Connor.   
> Bit of a busy chapter, but I think this is one of my favorites- one of the ones that made me want to pick this fic back up again. And if anyone is confused about the layout of the fic, and how many POV switches happening, I promise that it’ll get better, and we’ll look in on the other characters soon. I just need to get this laid out as groundwork before we move down the plot. I also apologize that the chapters are so short, but they will probably get longer. Also, to clear up some things (not spoiling anything but you’re welcome to skip this if you want):  
> -I am going through the plot of the musicals- all five (or is it four?) of them. That means the Squipcident, You Will Be Found, The Heathers, AND all of Hamilton’s bad decisions.   
> -There are one or two OCs, and a bit of an outside plot, hopefully that doesn’t muck everything up.   
> -Like I said, once this last chapter focusing on the events at Ellison is done, I’m gonna line up the POVs. They are either going to be a) One POV per character in the ship (like I did in the first chapter) or b) A side character/adult/mixed if its a huge event or plot point.  
> Sorry for writing such a long author's note, I just don’t want things to get confusing considering how chaotic this fic is. Like I said, I’m rolling like 50 different AUs and aspects into one little Sushi Roll of Chaos™. And please, always assume I have either lost the last shreds of sanity I have if I don’t update, or assume that I am creating chaos embodied.   
> Enjoy the chapter, and let me know if there’s any particular thing you might like to see with any character!

As the sister of the school freak, Zoe had to deal with a lot of shit. Like when Connor got into one of his moods, punching walls and shit until Mom and Dad locked him in his room. He hadn’t ever hurt  _ her _ , but Zoe was positive he would if he really wanted. The thing is, Zoe  _ knew _ something was wrong with her brother- you don’t just go from a Harry Potter-loving big brother to a moody monster in a day- but she found she really didn’t care. Especially when she had to go to the hospital to make sure the doctors didn’t call the police or some shit.

When Zoe got there, she was immediately led to Connor’s room. Which,  _ fuck _ . Zoe didn’t think he would be passed out and looking like a literal vampire. When the doctors explained that he overdosed on some sleeping pill- sixty of them, apparently- Zoe felt sick. Her parents had always been adamant that Connor wasn’t really depressed, and he was doing it for attention, and Zoe honestly believed them. But, to actually try to kill yourself?

At least no one could say Connor was a bad actor.

Some nurse was sitting in a chair next to Connor’s hospital bed and stood up when she saw Zoe. “Oh! Hello, are you Connor’s sister?” 

“Yes.”

“Right. Well, we would like to recommend to your parents that they take Connor to a therapist or psychiatrist. He is obviously depressed and has clear evidence of past self-harm. The hospital requires a 72 hour observation period, after which Connor is free to go.” Zoe snorted. “Connor does this all the time. He has anger issues, and he’s just doing this for attention.” It was a fact she heard quite often from her parents- almost word-for-word. The nurse’s- or Doctor apparently- face grew stony. 

“Suicide and depression are very serious matters. And it is obvious by Connor’s past file that this is not the first time he’s been in a hospital bed. My son is here as well, for the exact same reason. Would you say he’s ‘faking it’? Would you say he’s a good actor?” Dr. Hansen looked terrifying. Zoe shook her head. “Well, then I don’t see why Connor is any different.” Suddenly, Zoe felt angry. How dare this lady just assume she knew anything about Connor?! 

“You don’t know what he’s like, you’re just the doctor. You’ve never experienced his bullshit. And I’m sorry about your son, but your son isn’t Connor.” Zoe left the hospital, calling her parents, and explaining. They begrudgingly agreed that they should probably come home before that damn doctor got the wrong idea.

* * *

Heidi knew that based on the brief interaction with Connor’s sister that Connor’s family was not pleasant. She did not expect them, however, to completely deny the obvious depression their child had. They even went as far as to try and deny the 72-hour observation.

“Connor isn’t depressed. He just wants attention. He acts out all the time, punching walls and scaring his sister half to death. We know he’ll stop, but the last thing we’re gonna do is reward him by giving him the attention.” Heidi was normally a very polite and kind person, but dammit, she really wanted to fucking punch Larry Murphy.

“Suicide and depression are very serious matters. It does not matter whether you like it or not, hospital policy requires a 72 hour observation period. In fact, in the eyes of the hospital, what you want doesn’t matter unless it can be unanimously agreed that it’s what’s best for  _ Connor. _ Connor is the patient, not you.”  _ And I’m about to lose my patience with these people. _ Mr. Murphy went off on a tangent about how it was his child, and he should make the decisions. He was steadily getting louder, and Heidi saw Connor’s heart rate go up. 

“Mr. Murphy!” The tone she used silenced him immediately. “You are causing Connor’s heart rate to rise, I have to request that you leave the room if you cannot control yourself.” 

  


After two long, miserable hours of dealing with the parents- who did have to leave the room, they were too damn loud- she finally returned to the chair she had been occupying after checking up on Evan. He had woken up but fell back asleep. She was filling out paperwork when Connor woke up.

He made a sort of rasping sound, and wordlessly Heidi handed him a cup full of ice chips. “You don’t have to respond, I just need to inform you of a few things.” Connor nodded. “Alright. Well, for starters, you are in the hospital. We had to pump your stomach, which is probably why your throat hurts. We also had to give you stitches, so please be careful. Unfortunately, you have to stay at the hospital in a 72 hour observation period.” Heidi stopped, giving him a moment to process. There was another thing that had to be discussed, and she didn’t want to upset him. “Now, there’s also another thing we need to talk about. Did you go to Ellison State Park with the intent to end your life?” She watched as Connor swallowed before nodding. She sighed. “Alright. Is this the first time you have thought about harming yourself or taking your life?” She hated doing this, but she felt oddly protective of this boy and didn’t trust any other doctor not to interrogate him. Connor shook his head. “Is this the first time you’ve acted upon these thoughts?” The evidence was clear, but she had to make him tell her. Again, Connor shook his head. “Have you ever seen a therapist or psychiatrist about this?” Another head shake. “Right. Well, that’s the first thing we need to do then. Are you feeling up to visitors?” Connor shrugged. “Alright. I’m about to ask you something. Any response you have to it will not leave this room.” Connor looked scared. “Connor, do your parents abuse you?” Before he even spoke, Heidi had her answer. He shook his head vigorously, “No! They’re not like that. Sure, they’re assholes sometimes, but they don’t hit me or anything.” Heidi sighed. “Connor, abuse isn’t always physical. When your sister was here, she mentioned something about how your parents say you fake your depression?” Connor said nothing. He was clearly shutting down, done with questions. “Alright. I’m gonna go check on my son, I’ll be back. Let Jenny know if you need anything.” Connor nodded, laying back down. 

Once she was out in the hallway, Heidi sighed. She could feel in her gut that something was wrong with the Murphy parents, and she didn’t want to allow Connor to go back if they were abusive. Shaking herself a bit, she went to go see Evan. She would have to find some real evidence soon. 

But for now, her son was all she wanted to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda anxious about this one? Don’t think I wrote their talk quite right. Anyway, this is the last hospital chapter for a while, but we will come back to this. 
> 
> Work title taken from Principal by Melanie Martinez
> 
> Chapter title taken from Baby Don’t Cut by Bmike


End file.
